One of the most common challenges I witnessed as an HR executive, and also as a coach, is the willingness and ability to communicate directly, to provide effective feedback and to have difficult conversations. This is not only true in the workplace, but in all relationships.

Direct Communication, a core competency for coaches, is an essential skill that needs focus in the workplace, and, as mentioned above, is challenging for most people I encounter – from CEOs to new managers, as well as for individuals in general. Direct Communication is not only being able to provide effective feedback and have difficult conversations, but it also entails being clear, articulate, and respectful.

Today, I had a conversation with a friend who shared with me some challenges in one of her personal relationships. When I asked her if she was able to share this with the person with whom she is having the challenge, she said, “I haven’t, and I don’t even think it’s worth it!” As a coach, you can only imagine where I wanted to go with this – and of course I did ask her some challenging questions.

If we don’t tell people how we’re feeling, or what we are perceiving or experiencing, we cannot expect or assume that they will have the awareness. Similarly, we cannot expect they might work on changing the behavior that is impacting us, or their performance at work. If we don’t open up the dialogue, we also will not understand what’s “real” for them or what their perspective is. This is true in every relationship.

What do you find most challenging about direct communication, providing effective feedback or having a difficult conversation? Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen point out in their very useful book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, that “It’s our fear of the consequences – whether we raise the issue or try to avoid it” that makes difficult conversations so hard to face. I’ve often heard people say they avoid these conversations because they care about the person they need to have the conversation with and they don’t want to hurt them. Think about that for a moment. If you care about them, might it better reveal you care if you take the time to provide them with the information they are likely unaware of rather than hold back?

Let’s consider you as a manager needing to provide feedback to a direct report who is unaware of why they didn’t meet expectations on a project. If you take the perspective that you will provide them with a growth opportunity if you can give them effective feedback, does that help motivate you to have the conversation? Or, if you knew that they actually wanted the feedback, regardless of how difficult it might be for them to hear, might that encourage you to share the feedback? People who are looking to develop and grow, want to and need to hear the feedback.

What else hinders you or helps you to have these conversations? If you or individuals in your organization could use help developing their ability to have direct communication, difficult conversations, or provide effective feedback, I can help. Let’s connect so we can discuss your needs.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw