Are you avoiding having that difficult conversation?

When you have an issue with another individual that cannot be resolved without having a difficult conversation, what keeps you from having that conversation?

This week I was speaking with an individual (I will call her Susan) who continues to have challenges with her manager. These challenges, which are quite broad, have caused Susan to endure health challenges over the past few years.

I asked Susan what it might look like to have a direct conversation with her manager, being fully transparent with the multiple issues at hand. Many of these issues would require Susan to let her manager know that she feels frustrated that she is the one who is driving all of the decisions and actions for the group, rather than having a manager who can provide direction and assist with completing projects. Susan feels that her manager doesn’t take her own role seriously and that if Susan doesn’t do the work, nothing will get done. And, Susan is passionate about her role and her organization, and dedicated to the point that her family does not receive the time with Susan that they deserve.

I was curious to know why Susan was hesitant to have that open and direct conversation. She stated fear as her reason.

I asked Susan to consider the following questions. My purpose was to help her explore what she really wanted to do and help her to move forward,

• How does working for this manager align with your values?
• Are Susan’s health issues and her lack of time with her family worth avoiding the difficult conversation with her manager?
• What is it that you want?
• What is the risk if you have the conversation? What is the risk if you don’t have the conversation?

Immediately Susan recognized that she has not be honoring her values. She also acknowledged that her health risks and family issues are not worth the job. Yet, at the same time, she found reasons to support continuing at work without having the difficult conversation.

When proceeding to address the question around what Susan wants – she shared two possible scenarios. She focused on one scenario; improving her situation at work. Susan weighed the risk of having the conversation vs. not having the conversation. This helped her to recognize that without preparing for and having the difficult conversation with her boss, the issues would not go away. Ultimately, she would be choosing to continue to face the negative consequences. Susan decided to move forward with having the conversation with her manager. She realized she had choice. And, her choice was to no longer remain in a toxic work environment.

Susan decided that if things could improve with her manager through healthy dialogue, she would feel less stress and be better able to enjoy her work. She acknowledged that if she and her manager cannot resolve the issues through healthy dialogue, she is ready to move on from her role, even in these very uncertain times when a new position is not necessarily readily available.

What does it take for you to finally have that difficult conversation? And, when you do, what do you do to prepare? I recommend the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, as a helpful resource. If you are finding it challenging to honor your values, prepare for a difficult conversation, or lack clarity on what you want, let’s connect.

“Sometimes the most important conversations are the most difficult to engage in.” Jeanne Phillips